


Regeneration

by pasiphile



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 16:50:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13035375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pasiphile/pseuds/pasiphile
Summary: “This,” Kieren yelled, “is brilliant.”He threw his arms wide and twirled around, rain streaming down his cheeks, down the back of his jumper, over his palms. Cold, wet, glorious rain.“Yeah, great. Can you get in now?” Simon pulled at his sleeve.“Why?” Kieren asked, looking at Simon.Simon opened his mouth, then closed it again, that look in his eyes…





	Regeneration

**Author's Note:**

  * For [woodironbone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/woodironbone/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide, woodironbone! This turned out a bit shorter than I initially intended, so I hope you'll still enjoy your boys being gentle with each other.

Kieren stared at his arm.

The wind was stirring the tiny hairs on the back of his arm. He tried to will his nerve endings to pick it up. Not like it always was now, not that oddly muted, flattened down feeling, but really properly  _feel_.

Only yesterday he had. He'd touched the coverlet on Simon's bed and he'd  _felt_ it, really felt it, the fibers of the cotton and the softness, the cripsness of the blanket... It had only lasted a few seconds, but it had happened. It was real. 

Or maybe it was just his imagination.

Kieren shook his head, shoved his hands down the pockets of his parka and trudged up the hill. “You look like a Caspar David Friedrich painting,” he yelled over the rushing wind, as soon as he was close enough.

Simon turned and smiled, colourless eyes somehow managing to light up with warmth. “Only thing missing is the frock coat, yeah?”

Kieren blinked. It was still deeply odd, having someone who… who seemed to understand him, almost. Who got him. Not that Simon and he were so alike or anything, just that…

They shared stuff.

Kieren went up the last bit of hill and stood at Simon’s side. Simon gave him a brief smile, then cast his eyes over the landscape, once again the very picture of a brooding Romantic-capital-R hero.

Kieren followed Simon’s gaze, taking in the grey skies, the bare hills, the endless fields, and grimaced. “Sorry,” he said, a little awkwardly. “It isn’t much, is it?”

“It’s what you make of it, I suppose. And what’s in it,” Simon added, with a little sideways look.

Kieren rolled his eyes and went down the hill, staggering a little as his feet caught at hillocks. Simon followed after him. When Kieren glanced back, he could see Simon frown – not angry, ‘cause Simon angry got more starey than frowny.

Kieren paused, let Simon catch up with him. Simon was still frowning, and as he came close he raised his hand as if to touch Kieren’s cheek. Kieren turned away a little. “s Not much to paint, either.”

“Sorry?”

“Painting. I tried a few times, came up here with my paints. It was just – grey. Different blobs of grey.” He curled his fingers into fists in the safety of the pockets, uncurled them again. 

“All things are grey if you look at them with a certain set of eyes,” Simon said, which was a very Simon-y thing to say. But then he added, “Even Paris is pretty grey, especially in winter.”

Kieren side-eyed him as they went down the path. “You’ve been?”

“Paris? Yeah, camped out on a mate’s sofa for a week or two.” Simon smiled a little. “There are … some bits that are really nice,” he said, without any prompting. “You know? The Eiffel Tower looks like it shouldn’t be real, like you’re walking into a postcard. And some streets in the old _quartiers_ are pretty amazing too. But most of it is just – city. Like London, like Dublin. Buildings and cars, people rushing to catch their buses, delivery vans and pizza boys...” Simon turned to look at Kieren. "We could go, you know. So you could see it with your own eyes."

"Yeah, maybe," Kieren said, hunching his shoulders.

Simon tilted his head. "I thought it was what you - "

"It's only a place, Simon," Kieren said, a bit sharper than he intended.

Simon shook his head, chastisted. "Yeah, sorry."

They went on down the path.

After a couple of moments, Kieren pulled his hands out of his pockets again. He turned them, letting the wind touch the back of his hands, the palm. There was still nothing there but the faint numb awareness of sensation he’d had ever since he’d punched his way out of his grave – and a tremor, faint but unmistakable. He clenched his hand in an effort to stop it.                                           

Simon eyed him. “Is it happening again?”

"No." Kieren pushed his hand back into his pocket. “Last time was yesterday."

"It was? You didn't men-"

"It just – comes and goes. Don’t fret.”

Simon’s mouth went briefly narrow. He looked away from Kieren, over the hills surrounding them, and then up at the sky. "Storm's coming," he said.

Kieren glanced up at the grey clouds being pushed their way by the fierce wind. He could almost smell the rain on the air. More wishful thinking, probably, but...

Christ, what would he do if he actually did turn back alive?

He blinked, shook his head. Simon had gone up the road and was now waiting for Kieren, half turned, hands in his pockets, expression patient - no, not even that, more like he didn't even consider the possibility that he wouldn't have waited for Kieren.

Kieren suppressed an odd shiver, then went down. They walked on together, close but not touching. 

"I'm not fretting," Simon said, carefully, "But... How often has it happened?"

"Dunno. Once or twice. I think, I'm not really sure. It's - " A loud of crack of thunder in the distance interrupted him.

Simon raised his eyebrows. "Toldya. Should we be heading back, then?"

"Nah, it's just rain." He plodded on. "Do you think I should go the doctor's about this? Or the treatment cen-"

"No," Simon said, curtly. 

"Right."

Simon shot him a dark look, but then he shook his head, sighed. "Look, just - trust me on this one. Don't let the officials know."

"I can't hide this forever, though."

"Let's just hide it for the moment. If they find out... There's no telling what they might do, if they think it's for the greater good." Simon shot him another look, but of a wholly different kind this time. "I don't want anything to happen to you," he added, voice soft.

Kieren hunched his shoulders, looked down at the grass. Not replying.  

A moment later something cold hit Kieren's neck - cold, as in actually-cold, the cold he could  _feel_. He carefully held his hand out, the first rain drops hitting his palm. Nothing yet, just the same numb feeling as always.

"What's happening?" Simon asked, worried again.

"I think I - just the back of my neck, nowhere else. Is that even possible?"

"Lemme see." Simon stepped up and before Kieren could react, he had pulled away the hood of Kieren's sweater and brushed the hair away from his nape, and Simon's thumb ran over skin and yeah, he could feel that too.

He shivered, violently, and Simon immediately pulled away. "You okay?"

"Yeah." Kieren shivered again. The rain was intensifying, thunder cracking through the sky again, followed a few seconds later by a flash of lightning.

"We should go back," Simon said.

"Too late now," Kieren said. "If you want to find shelter, there's an old abandoned stable up the road. Jem and me used to use it as a stash for all our secret treasures."

"Treasures?"

"Mostly old bike tires and broken chairs. Come on, it's just down here." 

Simon plodded behind him, the ground beneath them rapidly turning to mud. Kieren slid more than walked the last few steps down - he'd never been graceful and since he got back, he'd always felt even more awkward, like he'd been put back a little bit wrong. At the last bit he almost fell, only Simon's quick hand stopping him from landing face-down into the mud. 

"There," Kieren pointed. The rain was really picking up now, going into full storm, and he could feel the cold spreading, from his neck to his spine, shoulders and arms. He blinked rapidly, raindrops clinging to his eyelashes, and pulled his hands from his pockets.

No, this wasn't his imagination. He could feel.

"Kieren?"

He tilted his head back, eyes closed, the rain washing down his face.

" _Kieren_!"  

“This,” Kieren yelled, “is _brilliant_.”

He threw his arms wide and twirled around, rain streaming down his cheeks, down the back of his jumper, over his palms. Cold, wet, _glorious_ rain.

“Yeah, great. Can you get in now?” Simon pulled at his sleeve.

“ _Why_?” Kieren asked, looking at Simon.

Simon opened his mouth, then closed it again, that _look_ in his eyes…

Simon shook himself. “Because you senses working again might just mean you can catch colds too. And pneumonia. Come _on,_ Kieren.”

He let himself be pulled along, stumbling across the road and still not able to keep the smile from his face. He was  _shivering_. From the  _cold_. It was incredible to think that this once had been normal - how could he have just been irritated by this? How could he have just taken it for granted?

Simon pushed the ramshackle door open and all but threw Kieren in. Kieren turned - it was dry here, the roof still holding after all these years, but his face was still wet. He ran his hand over his forehead, through his hair, revelling at the sensation.

“This should get us – “ Simon started, but he faltered when he faced Kieren.

“What?” Kieren said, a bit alarmed.

“Your eyes.”

“What, what’s wrong? Are they turning back?”

“No! No, it’s just…” He trailed off, then smiled. “You look happy,” he said, with a little self-conscious eyebrow raise.

“Oh,” Kieren said. The rush of warmth to his cheeks - was that just his imagination? Phantom blushing? Or was his blood finally moving through his veins again?

Simon frowned. “You’re shivering.”

“Yeah, I’m…” Kieren started to grin again. “I’m _cold_.”

“Oh, for god’s sa- here.” Simon pulled his jumper over his head and handed over. “Put that on. For god’s sake, Kieren, take care of yourself, okay?”

“Yeah, sorry.” He pulled the jumper on. It was far too big for him, the shoulders of it swimming down his arms. But he could feel the faint warmth of it, protecting him from the chill. He could even smell it, that typical smell of wet wool and something underneath that, something like dusty earth and old wood.

Simon went to the door and looked outside. “Doesn’t look like it’s easing up any time soon.”

“It’s fine, we’re good here.” Kieren sat down next to a pile of dried hay and pulled his knees up. "We can wait it out here."

Simon came over and sat down cross-legged across of him, a careful few inches apart. “Are you all right?"

"Yeah." Kieren gave a one-shouldered shrug. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"It's just - I don’t think I’ve ever seen you laugh like that,” Simon said, softly.

“I don’t think I’ve ever _felt_ like that." Kieren waved his hand, trying to catch what he meant. "This – this _free_.”

“When you rose – ”

“That was different,” Kieren said, shaking his head. “Now, I just feel – alive. More than I did when I actually was alive, ironically.”

He leaned his head back against the stable’s rough wooden wall. Then he dropped his hand into the hay, running his fingers through the rough strands. For a moment, he could feel it tickling his palm, but then...

He sighed, deeply. "Think it's gone again."

"What's it like?" Simon asked curiously.

"Dunno. It should feel normal, I suppose, but it's just so - intense. Overwhelming, in a way." 

Simon nodded. "Makes sense."

"Does it?"

"It happens like that. Nerve endings. When you damage them, sever them, they heal, but the sensation doesn't come back all at once. There's this phase inbetween, where it's all or nothing. Either you're numb, or..." Simon gave him a wry smile. "Or it's eye-watering pain."

"How do you know that?" Kieren asked, a little sceptically.

"I know all sorts of things," Simon said, still with the same smile. He dropped his head back against the stable wall, smile turning a little. "And it seemed appropriate. Makes sense the mind works the same way as the body, y'know?"

Kieren swallowed, looked down. As always when Simon brought these kinds of things up, he didn't quite know how to react. 

He'd never talked about how he felt to anyone. That was part of the problem, of course, part of what made it only worse, but... Even with everything he knew now, even with the memory of his dad crying and the pain in his mum's eyes, he couldn't really imagine going to anyone and have them really understand what he felt.

Except for Simon, who'd looked at the scar on Kieren's wrist and then in Kieren's eyes and everything about him just seemed to say  _I know_.

Simon was looking at him again. Kieren winced and turned away.

“What?” Simon asked. “What’d I do?”

“Nothing. Why do you ask?”

"You look startled."

“I’m sorry. I’m just – " He breathed out heavily. "You're a bit much, sometimes."

"Am I? Then, Kieren, just..." Simon bit his lip. "Just tell me what to do, then. What I'm doing wro-"

"I  _don't know_." Kieren pushed himself to his feet, taking a few steps away from Simon. "I don't know," he said again, a little calmer. "I don't know if it's me or if it's you, it's all... This all a bit new to me, you know." He glanced at Simon. "This. A – a relationship.”

Simon gave him a tired smile. “I don’t exactly have an abundance of experience when it comes to this either, Kieren.”

Kieren raised his eyebrows. “You haven’t?”

“No.” Simon, arms wrapped loosely around his drawn-up knees, stared at the stable doors, smiling ruefully. “I tried a few times, but… It didn’t end well. And it never lasted. I think my longest relationship was two months, something like that. If you can call it that.” Simon glanced at Kieren. “It wasn’t… Those weren’t anything like this. Like you,” he added, voice softening.

Kieren turned away again. "I thought you were... I don't know. You act like you know how this works."

"Well, I do know how some of this works. Or how it's supposed to work, anyway. But you took me by surprise. Right from the start," Simon added, voice soft and eyes softer and - 

"You're doing it again," Kieren snapped.

"Doing  _what_ , Kieren?" Simon asked, a faint hint of exasperation around his voice.

Kieren pinched the bridge of his nose. “The way you are with me, it's... I don't know. I don't know if this can work."

"What?" Simon got to his feet, face shocked. "Kieren, whatever the problem is, I'm sure we can work it out somehow."

Kieren shook his head. "No, it's... Look, what I’m saying is, is that I don’t know – I just don’t know what I’m doing here, all right? And it’s all fine when there’s evil MP’s and persecutions and mob justice but now it’s all calmed down and there’s just – this. Us. And I don’t know…”

“Kieren, if you don’t want this, if this is moving too quickly for –“

“It’s not,” he said quickly. “At least, I think it's not. Or maybe it is, I don't - “ He grunted in frustration and pressed his hands into his eye sockets.

“Kieren.”

A touch on his arm, soft, and careful. 

"Just tell me."

Kieren raised his head. “You’ve got this way of looking at me, sometimes, and I – I just don’t know how to deal with that.”

A silence fell. Simon still had that painfully tender, patient face on, the one he’d had on in Amy’s kitchen.

 _Tell me what you want_.

Kieren took a deep breath and sat down again. Simon hovered near, close but not too close, uncertain until Kieren gave the hay next to him a small pat. Simon carefully lowered himself down to the hay, next to Kieren.

They stayed like that for a while, in silence, listening to loud patter of rain on the thick roof.

“Are you afraid of doing something wrong?” Simon asked, after a while.

“No-o. I mean, yes, as much as I always am, but it’s not that. It’s just that I… I never even imagined anything like this.”

“What,” Simon asked, with a faint smile, “no handsome Parisians to sweep you off your feet?”

“No, not really. Paris was just – somewhere else. Somewhere I could be meself, but I didn’t really think about, y’know, about other people. Other men. Not like that.” He frowned. “People around me, they got girlfriends and boyfriends and I heard them talking and I just knew that was never gonna be me. I wasn’t even that sad about it. It just – _was_.”

“There was Rick,” Simon said gently.

Kieren stayed silent.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Simon added, impossibly soft.

Kieren stared at the closed barn door and tried to make his mind just  _stop_. It didn't work, though. He kept seeing the images, hearing the voices, smelling the - 

"Kieren. Hey."

Kieren blinked and looked up. Simon was looking at him again, head dipped, frowning, eyes glued to Kieren's face and his hand very lightly touching Kieren's shoulder. Kieren turned away. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Kieren, honestly, it's - "

Kieren jumped up again, pulling away from Simon's touch, and took a few quick paces to the door and back. He could feel Simon's eyes on him and it had always been a bit unnerving but now, it...

It felt a bit like the rain had done earlier, intense and good at first, but then it got too much so quickly.

Kieren breathed out explosively, running his hands over his face. Then he braced himself and looked back at Simon. 

He wasn't frowning anymore, surprisingly. He was leaning back, almost relaxed, as if he was patiently waiting out whatever Kieren was doing.

Kieren took another deep breath, then went back to sit down next to Simon. For a moment, they stayed like that. Then Simon raised his hand, hovering it over Kieren's knee. Only when Kieren gave a tight nod, he lowered his hand.

"I'm sorry," Kieren said, after a while.

"Nothing to be sorry for."

"No, but there is, though." He glanced at Simon. "You didn't sign up for this."

"I signed up for you."

Kieren huffed. He leaned his head back against the wall, eyes on the leaking roof, feeling Simon's hand as a heavy pressure even his deadened senses were picking up. "I'm just not  _used_ to this," he burst out.

"To what, Kieren?" Simon asked, again with that infinite patience in his voice. At times, it annoyed the hell out of Kieren, the condescending lurking behind it, the superiority. But right now...

Kieren shook his head. “You always do that.”

“Do what?”

“Being careful. Like you’re trying really hard to do this right.”

“Well, I am.” Simon looked away.

“I won't break, you know.”

“I know how strong you are, Kieren. It’s not that.” Simon peeked back at him. “It’s just – I don’t want to hurt you. Ever.” 

“Yeah.” Kieren rubbed his neck and looked down. “That as well. I think that's part of it. I’m not really – really used to this. Someone being..."

Simon stayed silent, once again waiting it out.

"I suppose it's just that... Well, the last person I lo-" He took a deep breath, “I _loved_ , well. And god knows I understand _why_ , but…” Another deep breath. “Sorry. I’m rambling.”

“No, it’s fine.”

"Rick." He dropped the name like a rock in a pond, not meeting Simon's eyes. He could feel a lump in his throat forming, but he swallowed it away. “I loved him," he said, after a while. "I really did. And I think – I think that in his way, he did too. But it would never…” He strayed off again.

“There were times when we were together and it was just us, and he was… ” He took a deep breath. “And then there were other times and he was with his mates or his dad and he had this way of talking to me, over me, and it just wasn’t me and he couldn’t see that, and I couldn’t understand how he – how he could be those two people. Rick who listened to music with me in the cave and held my hand, and Rick who got drunk with his mates and threw rocks at sheep because he thought it was funny to see them scarper." Another swallow. "Rick who laughed at me when I couldn't keep up. How could he... Who was he really?”

"All people have different sides."

"I know that." Kieren twisted his hands together. “I loved him, but the way he was with me... I put up with it, I think, because I didn't really know any better. Because I thought that was the only way to be. To be with him. But looking back... And  _you_ ," he added, turning to Simon.

"Me?" Simon asked, looking a tiny bit alarmed.

"You couldn't be more different if you tried. You're just so..." Kieren waved his hand at Simon.

"What?" Simon asked, eyebrows raised.

"So - You  _look_ at me,  _all the time_."

Simon's mouth twisted into a strange, almost shy smile and he ducked his head, lowered his eyes. 

 "And I don't -  _why_?" Kieren asked, deeply baffled. "You look at me like I'm something - something special."

"You are, Kieren," Simon said, eyes on the ground.

"God, don't give me that reborn Messiah,  _First Risen_ bullshi-"

" _No_." Simon's hand darted out, taking Kieren's, and he raised his eyes again to Kieren's face. "No. I swear, what I feel has got nothing to do with that."

"Then - "

"You're extraordinary."

Kieren looked down, at Simon's hand around his. "I'm sorry," he said, mouth tasting bitter, "but I find it a bit difficult to really believe that."

"I get that. Doesn't mean it's not true." 

Simon's thumb rubbed the back of Kieren's hand. Kieren stared at the tiny movement.

The sensation was coming back again. He could _feel_ Simon’s hand, cool, the hard bones of his knuckles and the more giving flesh beneath his thumb. He could feel the gentle caress too, and something else along with that. Blood rising.

"I think I'm a bit shit at being a boyfriend," Kieren said, mouth dry.

"I doubt l do much better," Simon said.

"Are you joking?" Kieren half-smiled. "You came to dinner with my parents. They like you. Prime boyfriend material, you are."

Simon blinked. "They like me?"

"Yeah. They're a bit suspicious still, mind you. Dad keeps asking if you had a steady job. I didn't mention the whole disciple thing."

"Probably for the best."

"Yeah, don't think it counts if you don't pay taxes for it. My sense of feeling is coming back again," he added, mouth still dry.

"I noticed."

"Yeah?" Kieren looked up.

"You're blushing." 

Kieren swallowed. If before Simon had looked at him like he was something precious, now it was... Different. More.

And before he could change his mind, he leaned forward and kissed Simon.

It wasn't their first kiss. But before that Kieren's senses had still been full-dead, any sensation registering as barely more than a distant touch, a dull faint pressure. This was... was different. Simon's hand had come up to the back of his neck, his thumb caressing just behind Kieren's ear, and Simon's cool lips were touching his, hesitant at first as if he'd surprised Simon somehow, but then Simon tilted his head and there was this tiny tug of teeth and he made a  _noise -_

Simon pulled away. "You okay?" he asked, hand still on the back of Kieren's head, forehead almost touching his. 

Kieren gave a small nod, not trusting himself to speak.

"You sure?" Simon asked, dipping his head further, trying to catch Kieren's eye.

"Yeah," Kieren said, hoarsely. "It's just - this is one of those other things I'm not really used to either."

"Luckily, this is an area I have a bit more expertise in."

Kieren pulled away a little. "Really?" he said, more amused than impressed. "So sex was fine, but relationships made you scarper?"

Simon shrugged one-shouldered, looking just a little awkward. "I wasn't very good at emotions. And in a way, sex was just another chemical to wash away the bad stuff."

Kieren felt his smile fade. "I didn't mean..."

"It's fine," Simon said, but his smile had turned a little sad.

Kieren groaned in frustration and ran his hand over his eyes. "Why is this so  _difficult_? _"_ he said, eyes squeezed shut.

"Because we're just starting, I suppose. All beginnings are difficult." Simon put his hand on the back of Kieren's neck. "How's the feeling?"

"Still there."

"Can I...?"

Kieren nodded. A moment later, Simon's hand came up to Kieren's face. He traced the bridge of Kieren's nose, the line of his forehead, the bone of his jaw, all so featherlight and careful it made Kieren shiver. 

"You're doing it again, aren't you?" Kieren asked, eyes still closed.

"Doing what?"

"That  _look_."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"If I said  _yes_ , would you?"

"I... don't think I know how, Kieren."

"Yeah." Once again, Kieren had to brace himself before he opened his eyes and faced Simon's patient, kind -  _loving_. That was the word.

Kieren's stomach gave a flip. 

"You'll just have to get used to it, then," Simon said. He was smiling, the corners of his eyes crinkling. Kieren got up on his knees, kneeling in front of Simon. He reached and, in conscious copy of Simon earlier, hooked his hand around the back off Simon's neck. Simon's eyes closed and Kieren took a moment to study him. Pale cool skin, his hair dark, mouth slightly parted.

Then he leaned in and kissed Simon again. It was a quick kiss this time, gone before it started, but it still made his skin tingle. Simon stayed with his eyes closed for a moment, before he opened them again.

"I want to make this work," Kieren said. "I really do. I'm just not entirely sure how."

Simon hooked his hand around Kieren's nape and pulled him in, foreheads touching. "We'll work something out."

"Will we? You say that like it's obvious, but it's - it's difficult. And I don't know - "

"I love you."

Kieren's mouth snapped shut.

"I love you, Kieren," Simon said again, as if he thought Kieren hadn't heard him earlier - as if he could have ignored  _that_. "And I know things are difficult for you, for us, and I don't want to minimise that, but... That's what important, yeah?" Simon pulled back a little, meeting Kieren's eyes.

He looked insecure. His words sounded confident enough, but the look in his eyes, on his face, was so fragile. Breakable.

As if he was afraid Kieren would say  _no_.

"Yeah," Kieren said, hoarsely. "Yeah, that's important."

"Okay." Simon leaned his forehead against Kieren's again, smiling, tired and relieved. "Okay."

Kieren breathed out, heavily. Something inside of him still wanted to pull away from Simon, protect himself from the intensity of Simon's eyes, but it was getting easier to ignore that voice. Because another part of him, a bigger part, felt fundamentally  _safe_ here.

He just needed to learn to listen to that voice a bit more often.

"Feeling's gone again," Kieren said softly. He could still feel Simon's hand, but once again in the dull muted way of before.

"That's okay," Simon said. "It'll come back."

"And if it doesn't?"

"Then that's okay too." Simon pulled back, looked at him. "As long as you're safe."

Kieren closed his eyes again, but this time only because Simon was kissing him.

And outside, the birds started singing again.

 


End file.
